HOUSE BILL NO. 0210
AN ACT REQUIRING CELIBACY FOR THE POSITION OF SECRETARY OF JUSTICE, AMENDING THE RULES OF INQUIRY IN AID OF LEGISLATION, AND FOR OTHER PURPOSES
Sec. 1. – Short name. For purposes of brevity, this Act shall also be known as the “SOJ Sex Scandal Act of 2016“.
Sec. 2. – The Secretary of Justice is hereby required to take a vow of celibacy upon his or her appointment to the position.
Sec. 3. – It shall be prohibited for the Secretary of Justice to have sex with his/her driver and/or bodyguard during his/her tenure.
Sec. 4. – It shall be prohibited for the Secretary of Justice to star in any sex video. Such videos shall not be uploaded on any internet site in order not to offend the sensibilities of the President, members of Congress or trolls.
Sec. 5. It shall be proper for members of Congress to view sex videos of a former Secretary of Justice provided that it is done in aid of legislation.
Sec. 6. – Convicted kidnappers, murderers, bank robbers, drug felons, and other criminals shall be granted blanket immunity from civil or criminal prosecution provided that they testify against a former Secretary of Justice. They shall be eligible for benefits provided for under the Witness Protection, Security and Benefit Act (R.A. 6981).
Sec. 7. – The incumbent Secretary of Justice shall be allowed to present witnesses during Congressional hearings in aid of legislation as long as the presented witnesses will testify against a former Secretary of Justice.
Sec. 8 – Penalties. The following penalties shall apply to violations of this Act:
a) A Secretary of Justice found to have violated Sections 2, 3 and 4 of this Act shall be, if a woman, slut-shamed to death. If a man, he shall be held in high esteem and considered eligible to run for higher office.
b) Other parties found to have violated any provision of this Act shall suffer imprisonment of not less than one day to not more than six years in a kubol and forced to watch nothing but “Akala Mo Lang ‘Yon” and other Herbert Colanggo music videos during detention.
Sec. 9. Repealing Clause. All previous laws and ordinances and their specific provisions inconsistent with this Act shall be deemed amended or repealed.
Sec. 10. Effectivity. This Act shall be deemed effective 15 days after publication in the Official Gazette or in Mocha Uson’s FB Page.